So far.

So far.
This week.
Has been.
theepitomeofmonotous.

But for some reason, I feel as if I have grown alot. I am beginning to realize that I am not happy with who I am now, and I am desperate for that to change. I am desperate to make me, like who me is (or who I think I am). I want to be the kid that can look in the mirror and immediately all thoughts come to a dead standstill. The kid that can actually like herself for her and not some copped, poorly photocopied version of someone else. More than two people have told me in the past week that I am easily influenced. I hate that. I have so desperately tried and tried again to become my own rock-- to become immovable in my opinions, personality, and persona but I have inevitably failed. I have become the chameleon. Tonight is one. of. those. nights. One of those where you wish that it could just be next year, or tomorrow. Anytime but now. Or here. But on the other hand, it is a beautiful summer night. I am sitting here recounting all I have felt or tried to feel this week, while sitting in a room with the window flung wide open. I am listening to Eisley and enjoying existence. Nothing is happening, I am sitting in the middle of my Suburbia home in my Suburbia neighborhood in my Suburbia city. Which is sub-par and boring, but I am supposed to be here. I can't help but be unhappy with who I have become, though. It is not me and I despise that. At all hours, trying to fight my way through this shell I have built becomes exhausting. Who I have become is tiring of fighting for the real me and I just want to give up on it. Someone once told me to write an anonymous blog and see what kind of feedback I'd get. One with all my personal secrets, all my ridiculous dashboard confessionals, the trivial things and the boulder sized problems. Just everything rolled into one. Just seeing things like that on the web really intrigues me. People and the way they live intwine my interest. Postsecret.com, for example. I am completely and utterly addicted. Something about hearing peoples secrets, deep or not, just awakens something in me. I love hearing that kind of thing. Sitting on my driveway and hearing my friends out, crying while on the phone, laughing till you pee, and having kitchen parties at two AM with your closest friends just make me...I don't even know. It just connects my being with my essence. That sounds so weird. But I kinda like it. Wow. I really have learned alot this week. Hunger is a strange thing. Emotions are strange. Desire is strange. Pain is strange. Like, why do we feel these things? Hunger is so pointless. Food disgusts me sometimes, like I don't know why I should rely on something so materialistic to sustain my being.

Maybe I just look to far into some things.

-- become me. Someone people can get along with and I don't change who I am.
-- find God. Really.
-- stop changing around people, but not to the point where I lose myself.
-- find who myself is. Basically, find myself.
-- keep myself emotionless. Don't ask why. Its easier to keep one's self from hurt if there are no emotions involved.
-- pursue what I love, not what is practical.
-- become open to people. Another thing I've recently learned is that I put up mega walls.
-- stop thinking about things that I need to stop thinking about.
-- stop doing what I know is harmful.
-- hear secrets. Formulate secrets. Write down secrets.
-- lose ten pounds.

(Also, I hate the way my family interacts)
Really.

Secrets of the Week:
In elementary school, I started lying and telling everybody I was allergic to peanuts. This is my first peanut butter cup in years. I had to eat it in my car so my fiancee wouldn't see. He thinks I'm allergic to them too.

When you were in the ICU, I took your picture. I wanted you to see what you looked like, so that you might go into rehab. I never showed you the pictures, you never went into rehab, and I never forgave myself. I am so sorry.

I have anger issues. I know because I often want to kick the ass of a total stranger for no good reason.

Lollipop.

Hi. I'm me.

Lately, I have enjoyed the absence of school.
But as the absence of school comes, the drifting away of friends comes too, whether I like it or not. Which usually, I'd be fine with, but for some reason, leaving these kids just upsets me for some reason. They were with me in the two years I have grown up the most. They are the ones that have been here for me, seen me at my best and worst. So yes, I suppose I will miss them. For a little while. Not a long time. It's just the way I am. I'm not emotionally connected to anyone. It proves positive in most situations. So this week has been good and bad, in the respects that I left my old school for good. The bad part is-- I left the people, but I really only got along with a few. So its not that big of a deal. The good part is-- I still have a great support system at church. Which has lessened since California, but its ok. That kind of thing is expected with humankind. I dont understand why, when you tell someone that you have lost a friend, they immediately think it to be some huge awful deal that they are overly apologetic for. I see it this way-- friends come and friends go. If they stay, that is perfectly fine with me, please by all means, they should make themselves comfortable, but if they choose to leave-- that's really their decision. I don't expect every one of my friends to be with me till the day I am put into a nursing home, its an irrational way to think. So by all measures, if they feel like they aren't in the spot to be friends with someone, I believe it to be perfectly reasonable to nicely distance themselves. I do not expect most of them to be around forever. And this is no rant, no desperate attempt to call someone out via blog. I think that to be silly. Its just me thinking.

(which is silly sometimes, too)


"I have nothing to say, and I am saying it."
-John Cage